Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Sooraj : The Obediant Son becoming the Loving Husband

22nd July 2013 

My Post in Blue

By skar1984
Hi Everyone,

I was reading though a lot of the posts today about Suraj and Sandhya more importantly all the different thoughts, views and overall discussion about the characterization of Suraj. We all see that Suraj is depicted to be a very loving, caring, obedient son, who in turn is proving to be an exceptionally wonderful husband. There were many instances where we would see him keeping quiet when there would be clashes between Sandhya and Bhabo - some views were of the nature that the character is being portrayed as weak which gives off a negative message and some views admired his tenacity to not get in the middle of his wife and mom and let them sort it out without picking a side. All these snippets are leading me to raise a few questions. My thoughts are not in any way to be negative towards the show or characterization of its protagonists but rather raise some dialogue for what this would translate to in the real world. 
I'm curious to know if a guy who is deeply devoted to his parents especially his mother to the point where he is blinded in his love and adoration for her would actually prove to be a successful, loving, caring, compassionate husband as we see Suraj to be. In an ideal world yes that would be the standard, however in the world we live in i don't see this as a reality. From personal experience I see men who are deeply attached to their mothers' are extremely biased towards them and often fail to see the facts and evaluate them on their own to make their own decision or judgement. In cases like that the wife is often side-lined and gravely misunderstood. It becomes a vicious cycle where even her good intentions to get her husband to see the facts are misunderstood, taken negatively thus reinforcing the son's conviction that his mother can do no wrong. Of course there are exceptions to every scenario and every situation is subject to many different variables which would change the over all outcome. I totally understand that, I'm just wondering if men can actually love and support their wives as Suraj is shown too when they are essentially a "mama's boy" in real life.
Feel free to share your thoughts!
Responded by Myself

A well expressed analytical thought.

For me this is a topic revisited and rediscussed here @ DABH Forum. Last I saw some of my forum pals disgusted with Sooraj's mute quality, his tenacity and capacity to get sandwiched, but not speak a word against his mother's atrocious behaviour from Oct 2011 to Feb 2011 towards Sandhya, who could be anyone's daughter, married and then no one physically there to support her from family in those times. Especially the way, she was throwing Sandhya out...and many other things...they were like Bhabho should be reported to authorities for all kinds of abuses.

We see a sandwiched Sooraj. I had stopped watching DABH unable to see the loud drama.  But then used to track my friends posts here. By April 2012, when Sooraj turned against Sandhya, those friends were upset with him and their tolerance levels were breached and they left too.

May be like me, even they have kept track of on and off progress in silent in we didn't want to get too engrossed in drama that reeks of lies and injustices and yet needed to see progress of Sooraj as the growing a worthy spine and what happens to SurYA...

NOW...why is that even now Sooraj has still my respect ?????

Because, story telling for Sooraj's character has been smooth execution.

I have seen Sooraj grow from being a Momma's boy to be determined to be a supportive husband as well.  I have seen Sooraj feeling as much pain as Sandhya; everytime his mother and his family was humiliating his wife. I have seen Sooraj standing on his room's threshold, always wondering if Sandhya will take his help, will want him, him entering his own room in an apprehensive manner as not to intrude her wife's privacy.

YES...I agree Sooraj has been MUTE to INJUSTICE...but its not that he is mute just towards his wife...this man doesn't even defend himself when his sister Chavi and his brothers Mohit and Vikram start mocking him.

Yes, we feel bad that he doesn't speak at all...But I see it as his way of staying away from dirt and muddying himself unnecessarily in getting into middle of squabbles. For him life took away the opportunity to be a learned man when he was 13 years. And now when he was married at 25, he saw another opportunity knocking at his door through his wife, who was showing a separate world to him, that was so different from what his mother, brothers and sisters profess. And though Sooraj hardly understanding anything about Sandhya, what he could see was the same honesty, truth, principles, courage, determination, being respectful to elders in Sandhya like his mother. And just like his mother was angry for being disappointed in  Sandhya, he could also see that Sandhya was disappointed in him and his family and yet the girl was trying to accept them to be save her parents honour, just as Bhabho was trying to tolerate Sandhya as she could not sever a marriage just like that at her whim, even though that is what she wanted.

Sooraj sees a strong personality in Sandhya who deserves his respect, since the moment Sandhya actually starts rejecting him in anger, even before the consummation night. He has his worst nightmare of his times, when he sees Sandhya refusing to come down to Bhabho for Chudi-Utaarna Rasm following the consummation night fiasco.  We see here a panicking if he knows his marriage is almost over and waiting to explode on his mother's face. He is worried to the core and also preparing for the worst to come...that he had somehow absorbed the shock he got the previous night, and how can his mother now absorb this shock that Sandhya was going to give it to his mother...he also knows how Bhabho will make it double insulting by taking the rejection  not just towards her, but for her son as well.

This was his WORST moment in his life...A Man actually Having NO Value in the Woman's eyes he married. At his worst moment too, the man effaces himself as nothing, as no worthy husband to her, and yet as the son of the house and as the man still bound to her in marriage, says in requestful manner to think what she is going to achieve by just being angry and not communicating and not talking to him. He states to her, she is not even helping herself by just being rebeliious and stubborn. That resolute statement won me towards his side that day.

And from here on I started giving some space to Sooraj. Its not that I forgave him for being mute towards injustice, but I started seeing that he was ready to get sandwiched between Mom and Wife, he grew overnight from being momma's boy to a responsible husband. He got that lesson when he saw Sandhya rejecting HIM.  And when he sees himself as the cause of her Pain in unsaid manner, it is Sooraj's better sense that tells him that he needs to take care of his wife even as she is not giving him one chance to take care of her.  Everyday he starts fighting her rejection of him, coz he has no choice left than to fight back.

And in parallel as Bhabho's atrocities become too much,  we see him stepping in as the husband standing by her side...its again done without even a word, but his mother already sees it as rebel. But Sooraj is like already determined to take care of his wife.

Yes, there was always a LOT that Sooraj was in SHORT of Sandhya or any today's NORMAL girl's expectations, but we see that it is only this extremely unfit type of husband or person, who actually respects the intelligent girl and takes care of her.

I will not say that such men do not exist. Coz I have seen my male cousins (back in villages...lot older to me) how they manage the mother and wife in that patriarchal joint family. I have seen how they remain smart by not saying anything and always keeping both mother and wife on their toes as to never knowing what they might do to him.  Its difficult for men to manage, but they know they cannot be both Momma's boy and Joroo ka Gulam, unless it selfishly suits their needs.  Look at Vikram Rathi...he is both Momma's Boy and Joroo Ka Gulaam.  Coz, he is that Thaali ka Baingan who shifts his support between Mom and Wife as it benefits him. That is the TRUE NATURE of MAN...most of the time.

And if I compare Vikram Rathi and Sooraj Rathi, and I see in Vikram an ordinary man, then I also see Sooraj on the same plane. He too is a man who has self-interests and keeps going for them. Just that Vikram's interests are selfish and vain and Sooraj's interests are selfless and noble. Just like Vikram tries to get away with his Mom and Wife per his desires, Sooraj messes himself both with his mother and wife per his desires to see the ultimate good happening.

The oft discussed topic that Sooraj and Sandhya do not talk much and do not share everything actually that is what insulates them in this joint family. As too much discussion and transparency is sometimes dangerous before relationships have actually withstood hardships.  Sometimes the less we talk and more we develop alternate channel of communication, the better and it helps in surviving hostile joint family structures. And as trust builds, everything gradually falls into its place.

Over the long ramble what I meant to say is that...we cannot blame Sooraj for being MUTE towards INJUSTICE, as the person Sooraj ACTUALLY was NEVER GROUNDED ENUF to KNOW What is Right and What is Wrong. And he used to THINK His Mom's word was the WORD of WISDOM.  But ever since his WIFE started to rejected HIM, HE FELT the NEED to GROW as the MAN...and we see a more disturbed Sooraj at HIS INADEQUACY than HIS Momma's bullyism.  And in the process, he starts doing the RIGHT THING  FOR HIMSELF, BY HIMSELF and doesn't have a qualm breaking his Momma's traditions as he has the confidence that his mother may not understand his thought behind the act, but she does love him and will one day understand him, as he loves her too and will never do the wrong to her. THAT is HIS FAITH THERE...which always WORKED for HIM.

Various scenes throughout October, November, December 2011, January and February 2012 feed a lot of situations in Sooraj's mind related to Sandhya, both outside RP House and within RP House and GG room, that become lessons for him to evolve.

I hope you all see NOW how the story telling itself is different for Sooraj and how the Obediant Son is also able to become the Loving Husband...its because the story targeted on HIM being ILL-MATCHED and UNSUITABLE HUSBAND and plot is developed for him to EVOLVE as as GOOD HUSBAND. And in the process he also grows up to SHED his MOMMA's BOY image to just remain as Dutiful and Loving Son.

  •  My earlier post in Nov 2011 speaking about the Immature Sooraj and his need to evolve.

The Immature Sooraj. Will he be evolving?
29h November 2011
Suraj wanted to have a wife who was going to serve his Bhabho. that does not put him completeley on a maturity level as far as understanding of marriage goes. if one is marrying only for his parents, where will the individual aspirations go ?
If  suraj unlke his siblings cannot even think one small thing for himself except his Bhabho's needs wishes, then it is not a complete fault for his siblings to behave the way they do now. before a shouting and such a backward, stubborn mother who doesn't let others voice opinions, then it is bound to happen that Vikram, Chavi and Mohit all go out for respite from suppression and tell lies.
Sandhya's rejection of Suraj should be a good lesson for Suraj. an apt rejection of a man who only wanted a "cow" a subservient puppet, "Bhabho ko pankha karti hui, reshmi saadi pehne hue". where is he in this dream as a husband and what are his duties for his wife ?
Now Suraj as he feels drawn to his wife, a thing which he did not account at the time of marriage plans and how it is going to impact the dynamics between him and his mother; and as he realizes that after all his wife is not a mere voice less puppet, but a very much living person, it is high time he develops a spine for himself.
The way he keeps on saying, "bhabho mei paise de deta hoon", it is him who is spoling his sibs by taking away responsibility from them. we just cannot blame bhabho. Seeing things as they are and thinking good for others, even if it means speaking hard is often the need of hour. One cannot be always the "sweet-talker" and trying to make everyone happy.
Hope Suraj's love for Sandhya and his understanding of her charcter as one who cannot tolerate injustice and never lying; will slowly make him realize what he was missing within him and how it will not do to bring Sandhya any closer to him. He needs to grow on the maturity level of standing upto morally righteous things and not just helping here and there, that wil lead him to me the true diya for his baati.
I wish all the success to him in this realization and attain Sandhya's love, for it is really a wonderful feeling that in the whole world there is that one person, who was a stranger but now he means everything to her. it is such a richness !
Hope the story-writers and the directors of the show keep this sensitive and sublime understanding living in all the episodes as the love story and family dynamics develop as we go 

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